The word “awareness” has become a marketing strategy, a fundraiser, a mere shoutout of a term. The true definition of awareness is knowledge or perception of a situation or fact. One of the most popular awareness celebrations is in October and the ribbons and pink that represent it flood our society. I ask you, during breast cancer “awareness” month, what knowledge do you gain? What facts have you learned? What perception do you now understand? What “awareness” is brought to your attention?
I can recall when the rodeo world came out with “Tough Enough to Wear Pink” and all the cowgirls and cowboys wore pink during the rodeo. They even created a pink ribbon made of rope to be unique and generate sales and interest. It continues to be celebrated during the national finals in December. I still question what actual awareness comes with the plaster of pink and the sales of a unique pink rope ribbon. Do you know what the breast cancer statistics are? The different stages? The different kinds? How many treatment options are available today? What can you do to prevent breast cancer? What actually causes it? What organizations research it? How are they funded? What is the projection of diagnosis and treatments? Will there be a cure? I have it, and I don’t even know the answers to most of those questions. A lot of these answers are out there, but you have to do your own research.
The personal facts of breast cancer are still kept a secret until someone talks about their own experience. I will share my raw truth of what stage iv breast cancer can do to your body, your mind, your relationships and your livelihood. These answers are more difficult to find because real people have to tell their side, and every case, every person, every experience, and every outcome is not the same.
Sometimes you learn you have breast cancer by accident. You can have a physical change that raises some concern, you don’t want to overreact, but when you get it checked out, the results truly are the worst case scenario. A diagnosed family member or friend can inspire you to get a deeper health screening – and that’s how you become a statistic. Some diagnosis are minor and curable. Some come back after several years. Some you fight aggressively until the cancer sits idle, not necessarily increasing, but not regressing either. You live each day waiting for the treatment to fail and the cancer to start growing again. Then you pick another poison off the shelf and see if that will work. Maybe it does? Maybe it doesn’t? If it doesn’t, you know that crap is still spreading inside of you, and you have to wait weeks and months to see if it’s slowed, stopped or reversed the cells of death. Every few months you make that hollow walk to the scanners and ekgs, praying the cancer is still snoozing. This is what I go through every day, every month, every quarter, every doctor’s appointment.
Cancer patients live in a state of fear everyday. Some just hide it better than others. I don’t just mean fear for the end of their life. In fact, that’s usually the least of their fears. Mortality is reality. Instead, they fear for their loved ones, their jobs and income, their pets, motivation to clean, keeping food down, affording food, picking their kids up from school, getting to and from doctors appointments when they can’t drive that day, getting sick and unable to receive treatment, holding onto their spouse, dating even. You know what a cancer patient fears the most? Asking for help and making future plans. These are half of the silent thoughts your friend or family member, diagnosed with breast cancer, burdens herself with often. And these are just things inside her head.
Our body is our temple. It’s a beautiful one of a kind masterpiece hand crafted without mistake. We are always learning to love it, accept what we view as flaws. We struggle with self confidence. Then we find someone who loves everything about us, and then we love ourselves a little more. You’re always in control of your physical appearance (for the most part) up until you have breast cancer. Now you have tumors, chemo, radiation, surgery, skin dimpling and peeling, hair loss, scars, missing body parts. Your vessel is a Frankenstein experiment you have no control over and you can’t fix it. The pieces can’t be put back together, it will never be original again. You have a new collection of insecurities and daily reminders of matter that tried, or is still trying, to take your life. Some women are able to keep their original chest pieces. Some get new replacements. Some lose one. Some lose both. Some women lose, choose and lose again. A few lose and have no choice to choose. Society does not understand what we see in the mirror now. Your friends don’t. Your family doesn’t. And that’s okay, they don’t need to. Here’s an “awareness” if you don’t truly understand what we now see and fear. Try to refrain from “they’re just fun bags”, “they just get in the way”, “you still look great without them”, “well now they aren’t trying to kill you”, or any other comment really. It’s a body part that makes us a woman, that is part of our femininity, it’s something we’ve all used to seduce our lovers, they made us feel sexy, they fed our children. We used to wear stunning outfits to show them off. They could be considered a mating and reproductive requirement if we dip a toe into the animal kingdom. And now we are a victim struggling to survive against our own murderous boobs. Our confidence, our intimacy and our wardrobe are completely changed forever.
As we enter new chapters of our lives, our relationships fluctuate. Friends come and go, the really great ones stay, the bonds with your family alter. Romantic relationships are always like riding a roller coaster, even moreso now. A cancer diagnosis is definitely a new chapter, some might even say it should be its own book. It is fact that a lot of your current relationship statuses will change, and you will create new ones with people who do understand what you’re going through. You may be left out of gatherings because they “know you’re sick and don’t want to burden you”. You feel like people think you’re contageous. You might get cheated on and divorced because you’re not what they married anymore, you’re sick, emotional and physically different. Some friends could totally betray you because your husband told 1,000 lies about you so he didn’t look like a loser abandoning his cancerous wife. Some landlords may render you homeless because of some of those husband lies. Some employers might not hire you because they’re afraid of your health needs and nervous about your commitment or ability to work. Here’s an awareness statistic; women diagnosed with breast cancer have an approximate 12% divorce rate.
Breast cancer can turn a beautiful, talented, healthy, successful, happy, outgoing, married, hardworking, confident, sharp as a tack woman into a face she no longer recognizes, a mind who fights to remember common words in her conversations, depressed, divorced, struggling, fatigued, lonely stranger. This is real awareness. This is some of what breast cancer has done to me in the last two years since being diagnosed de novo; which is stage IV breast cancer at the time of diagnosis. And I haven’t even talked about treatment and the side effects yet. We will save those for another day.
Thank you for reading my debut article. I have big plans for this site. Follow me for my cancer ride! Tips and tricks coming soon!
